Last night was....interesting....
It was the culmination of the last couple of weeks. The agression, depression, frustration, sadness, boldness, hatred!
My husband took the day off work for the third day in a row. About a week ago I watched an HBO special called "Boy Interupted" the kids were in bed and I sat watching and bawling my eyes out.... oh the lines I could draw between their life and ours. The signs I see in my own son and the realization that I might actually have to live in that kind of a world forever.....it changed me in a way I can not verbalize.
Since my husband was off work and since we have been struggling at home for a couple of weeks and the show was on again I made him sit down and watch it with me... no interuptions...kids were in bed! We didn't talk through the whole movie...I bawled again because that is what I do... Even he had a few moments of tears!
It was profound in a way I think only those who live with bipolar can truly understand. And it sparked a conversation that needed to happen... He was able to reveal a very personal secret he had been keeping from everyone for his whole life...
I hope that by him saying it out loud that he will finally be able to break some agression. To open that door of dialogue with his social workers and psychiatrists.
I believe in hope, I believe he will work through all of this and that he will learn to live in his own skin.... I have to believe because the alternative is too hard to think about!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A tired struggle!
My husband works full time. He was approved to go back to work on may 1st 2009 on an altered schedule.
Basically, the provisions are that he gets a consistant shift 3pm-11pm. This way he gets to sleep in a little, he knows what time he is working, it is consistant, he has two days in a row off.
These provisions might not seem like much but the make our world go round... keeps him pretty level and has improved his career!
In order to keep these provisions he has to have a psychiatrist fill out a form each month stating that he needs to keep these provisions in place...
(here walks in the problem)
Our mental health system is over saturated... not enough funding, dr's, programs available to reach everyone all the time. We are caught in a loop. Work needs the forms and the psychaitrist can not see him until october. We have tried and tried to get a sooner appoitment and to his works defence they have pushed back the date a few times for him...but we have come to a point that his work can not push back any further, they need the forms and we have come to a point that we can not push any harder...we can not get an appointment!
So where does that leave us... A) search for a new psychiatrist who has better availability (and still have to wait to get in) B) sit outside the office and beg plead and cry some more...
My husband is lost in the shuffle... his agression level is high, his frustration level is high, our conversations are strained and he is snapping at the kids, his facebook status is grim and his facebook profile picture is a bullet!
I know he is struggling and I try to tell him that all of this will work out in time and with some effort!
As I am writing this I got this email from him!!!
You keep asking me if there is something wrong well there is…I keep having thoughts of hurting myself. I try to block them out but they keep coming back. I don’t like talking about them cause then someone else has to hear about them and they sound stupid to me, so what would someone else think. But also that doing something might bring me the releaf I want. I’m sick and tired of being like this, I’m sick of feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. I need more help then I seem to be able to get. I love you and the lkids and your what stops me but how much longer can you hold on, how much longer can I hold on. I’m sitting here on the verg of tears wondering what the next second, minute, hour , day will hold and will I be able to hold on.
Oh god I’m do tried
And my Reply!
I know this is how you are feeling, I can tell from your status updates on facebook and the pictures you are putting up… I know you are sick and I can feel the tension coming off you! It is contagious… and I want you to get help… stupid or not you NEED to tell people when you feel this way… whether you feel detached or not you have to recognize that you are surrounded by people who love you… people who care about you… and people who are hear to help you.
Hamid, Diane, Dr Senthalal, Desuza, your parents, your sister (YOUR SISTER), My sister, Shannon, Friends and other family members, ME!!!
I know that you are afraid and lost…. And that is the exact reason you need to reach out… to anyone… I am always here for you, I am always available for an ear, a shoulder, and a kick in the pants when you need one!
This is not easy for anyone. We are all struggling along with you… it makes the hike easier when you are talking and participating in the conversation.
You WILL get through this… You WILL be okay!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Hold my hand and I won’t let go!
I love you!!!
If you are going through this, yourself, or your spouse...talk to someone... you don't have to do this alone... we all struggle through it!! there is help you just have to ask for it!!
Basically, the provisions are that he gets a consistant shift 3pm-11pm. This way he gets to sleep in a little, he knows what time he is working, it is consistant, he has two days in a row off.
These provisions might not seem like much but the make our world go round... keeps him pretty level and has improved his career!
In order to keep these provisions he has to have a psychiatrist fill out a form each month stating that he needs to keep these provisions in place...
(here walks in the problem)
Our mental health system is over saturated... not enough funding, dr's, programs available to reach everyone all the time. We are caught in a loop. Work needs the forms and the psychaitrist can not see him until october. We have tried and tried to get a sooner appoitment and to his works defence they have pushed back the date a few times for him...but we have come to a point that his work can not push back any further, they need the forms and we have come to a point that we can not push any harder...we can not get an appointment!
So where does that leave us... A) search for a new psychiatrist who has better availability (and still have to wait to get in) B) sit outside the office and beg plead and cry some more...
My husband is lost in the shuffle... his agression level is high, his frustration level is high, our conversations are strained and he is snapping at the kids, his facebook status is grim and his facebook profile picture is a bullet!
I know he is struggling and I try to tell him that all of this will work out in time and with some effort!
As I am writing this I got this email from him!!!
You keep asking me if there is something wrong well there is…I keep having thoughts of hurting myself. I try to block them out but they keep coming back. I don’t like talking about them cause then someone else has to hear about them and they sound stupid to me, so what would someone else think. But also that doing something might bring me the releaf I want. I’m sick and tired of being like this, I’m sick of feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. I need more help then I seem to be able to get. I love you and the lkids and your what stops me but how much longer can you hold on, how much longer can I hold on. I’m sitting here on the verg of tears wondering what the next second, minute, hour , day will hold and will I be able to hold on.
Oh god I’m do tried
And my Reply!
I know this is how you are feeling, I can tell from your status updates on facebook and the pictures you are putting up… I know you are sick and I can feel the tension coming off you! It is contagious… and I want you to get help… stupid or not you NEED to tell people when you feel this way… whether you feel detached or not you have to recognize that you are surrounded by people who love you… people who care about you… and people who are hear to help you.
Hamid, Diane, Dr Senthalal, Desuza, your parents, your sister (YOUR SISTER), My sister, Shannon, Friends and other family members, ME!!!
I know that you are afraid and lost…. And that is the exact reason you need to reach out… to anyone… I am always here for you, I am always available for an ear, a shoulder, and a kick in the pants when you need one!
This is not easy for anyone. We are all struggling along with you… it makes the hike easier when you are talking and participating in the conversation.
You WILL get through this… You WILL be okay!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Hold my hand and I won’t let go!
I love you!!!
If you are going through this, yourself, or your spouse...talk to someone... you don't have to do this alone... we all struggle through it!! there is help you just have to ask for it!!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Whats taking so long!
I am a photographer by trade. I have a business with my twin sister and about a week ago I informed my dear husband that I would be spending Saturday with her to update our website, which has been a work in progress for some time.
I reminded him on Wednesday and again on Friday afternoon! I told him last night (friday) that I would be leaving the house at about 7:30am and I would be at my sisters for the day. His responce "uhuh"...
I got up at 7 and left the house at 7:30am as planned. Took a little drive with my sister to a chore she needed to get done and went to a couple of stores. Then we went to her house and pulled open all the applications one needs to create a website.
And we set to work. At just after noon I got a phone call asking how I am and what I am doing. I said "I'm fine, and I am working on the website, how are you" .... the responce was "Well, the kids are fighting, they destroyed the house, they took my model cars downstairs to play with when they know they are not allowed and I have the shits."
FAN FUCKING TASTIC! Glad you called with all this news, I don't know what I would have done without it!
Honestly. My questions: Well where were you when they were destroying the house, and playing with your "dinky" cars?, Why don't you take them to the park or put a movie on for them?
Conversation over.
Then at 5pm I get an angry phone call asking where I am and when i was going to be home. Has a housewarming party to go to tonight that I "knew full well" about. (This same party he has been telling me for two days that he doesn't think he wants to go to! ) I said "its only 5pm and the party doesn't start till 9pm" He hung up on me!
Im not sure I would survive in this life without these sudden outbursts of random bullshit phone calls and downright nasty attitudes!
Such is the plight of the Bipolar Wife!
I reminded him on Wednesday and again on Friday afternoon! I told him last night (friday) that I would be leaving the house at about 7:30am and I would be at my sisters for the day. His responce "uhuh"...
I got up at 7 and left the house at 7:30am as planned. Took a little drive with my sister to a chore she needed to get done and went to a couple of stores. Then we went to her house and pulled open all the applications one needs to create a website.
And we set to work. At just after noon I got a phone call asking how I am and what I am doing. I said "I'm fine, and I am working on the website, how are you" .... the responce was "Well, the kids are fighting, they destroyed the house, they took my model cars downstairs to play with when they know they are not allowed and I have the shits."
FAN FUCKING TASTIC! Glad you called with all this news, I don't know what I would have done without it!
Honestly. My questions: Well where were you when they were destroying the house, and playing with your "dinky" cars?, Why don't you take them to the park or put a movie on for them?
Conversation over.
Then at 5pm I get an angry phone call asking where I am and when i was going to be home. Has a housewarming party to go to tonight that I "knew full well" about. (This same party he has been telling me for two days that he doesn't think he wants to go to! ) I said "its only 5pm and the party doesn't start till 9pm" He hung up on me!
Im not sure I would survive in this life without these sudden outbursts of random bullshit phone calls and downright nasty attitudes!
Such is the plight of the Bipolar Wife!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Starting something good!
Today I am creating a blog because there is a serious lack of support for those People who have chosen to love a person suffering with bipolar disorder.
In this blog I will share stories, what is happening at home (good or bad), children, and I hope to provide support and understanding to those who suffer along with me.
When you are the spouse of someone suffering with Bipolar disorder you are suffering right along with them. There is no right or wrong way to act or react in my opinion. It is a constantly changing game, there are no rules, there are no sure fire solutions.
Today I come to you with my heart on my sleve and hope that you will feel comfortable sharing your experiences and providing me support as well! I look forward to hearing from you.
I will start with the short version of my life.
I met my husband when I was 16 years old. My memories of him then were that he was a big teady bear. He was a little over weight (but so was I). He was always available to sit in a corner with at parties I felt uncomfortable at. He swept me off my feet.
We dated for about a year before going off to University. We spend all evening every evening talking on the phone. A lot of "I love you" and "I miss you". At Christmas I spent the holiday with his family and we made the first bad decision of our lives together. We decided it was too hard being apart and we left school!
Oh how I wish today I could take this decision back.
We lived with his parents for a few months at which point we were looking for work...really anything to get out on our own. We found a job cleaning in a building and our salary included a two bedroom apartment. We thought this was GREAT.
Once we moved in and started working I found out about his work ethic. Or should I say Lack of work ethic... This was a large building and I found on most days I was doing the work while he was taking breaks because he was overheating, or not feeling well, or tired, or whatever other excuse he could come up with. I remember being annoyed. I remember being resentful.
This job did not last very long at all. There was no way I could hold up all on my own. So we left and made the second mistake of our lives. We rented a small house with a couple of my cousins. Anyone who has ever rented with other people knows that you have to be VERY respectful of eachother at all times.... and there was not one person in that house who could fall under that title. We all ended up fighting. I got a job at Walmart and made next to no money and Rob...again couldn't find anything. Any job he did find he worked at for a few weeks and then quit or got fired... At this point of my life I was devistated. I didn't want to be living like this and the resentment was growing... in hind sight this was the point in my life that we should have parted ways! But We didn't.
Over the following years we moved again and I continued working upgrading from Walmart to a receptionist at an insurance company. He was still in and out of work...but I made enough that if he was out of work at least we were still floating... I got pregnant!
From this point forward things get interesting. We moved up north, gave birth to our beautiful daughter, lived like "normal" for a few years and moved back south. I started working for a large telecommunications company and things looked like they might look up...
I got Pregnant again! This time we had a baby Boy! A baby boy with Colic!
I will continue this story in more detail from this point forward because this is the point where we went from not holding down a job and financial distress to downright unbearable to live with!
In this blog I will share stories, what is happening at home (good or bad), children, and I hope to provide support and understanding to those who suffer along with me.
When you are the spouse of someone suffering with Bipolar disorder you are suffering right along with them. There is no right or wrong way to act or react in my opinion. It is a constantly changing game, there are no rules, there are no sure fire solutions.
Today I come to you with my heart on my sleve and hope that you will feel comfortable sharing your experiences and providing me support as well! I look forward to hearing from you.
I will start with the short version of my life.
I met my husband when I was 16 years old. My memories of him then were that he was a big teady bear. He was a little over weight (but so was I). He was always available to sit in a corner with at parties I felt uncomfortable at. He swept me off my feet.
We dated for about a year before going off to University. We spend all evening every evening talking on the phone. A lot of "I love you" and "I miss you". At Christmas I spent the holiday with his family and we made the first bad decision of our lives together. We decided it was too hard being apart and we left school!
Oh how I wish today I could take this decision back.
We lived with his parents for a few months at which point we were looking for work...really anything to get out on our own. We found a job cleaning in a building and our salary included a two bedroom apartment. We thought this was GREAT.
Once we moved in and started working I found out about his work ethic. Or should I say Lack of work ethic... This was a large building and I found on most days I was doing the work while he was taking breaks because he was overheating, or not feeling well, or tired, or whatever other excuse he could come up with. I remember being annoyed. I remember being resentful.
This job did not last very long at all. There was no way I could hold up all on my own. So we left and made the second mistake of our lives. We rented a small house with a couple of my cousins. Anyone who has ever rented with other people knows that you have to be VERY respectful of eachother at all times.... and there was not one person in that house who could fall under that title. We all ended up fighting. I got a job at Walmart and made next to no money and Rob...again couldn't find anything. Any job he did find he worked at for a few weeks and then quit or got fired... At this point of my life I was devistated. I didn't want to be living like this and the resentment was growing... in hind sight this was the point in my life that we should have parted ways! But We didn't.
Over the following years we moved again and I continued working upgrading from Walmart to a receptionist at an insurance company. He was still in and out of work...but I made enough that if he was out of work at least we were still floating... I got pregnant!
From this point forward things get interesting. We moved up north, gave birth to our beautiful daughter, lived like "normal" for a few years and moved back south. I started working for a large telecommunications company and things looked like they might look up...
I got Pregnant again! This time we had a baby Boy! A baby boy with Colic!
I will continue this story in more detail from this point forward because this is the point where we went from not holding down a job and financial distress to downright unbearable to live with!
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