Last night was....interesting....
It was the culmination of the last couple of weeks. The agression, depression, frustration, sadness, boldness, hatred!
My husband took the day off work for the third day in a row. About a week ago I watched an HBO special called "Boy Interupted" the kids were in bed and I sat watching and bawling my eyes out.... oh the lines I could draw between their life and ours. The signs I see in my own son and the realization that I might actually have to live in that kind of a world forever.....it changed me in a way I can not verbalize.
Since my husband was off work and since we have been struggling at home for a couple of weeks and the show was on again I made him sit down and watch it with me... no interuptions...kids were in bed! We didn't talk through the whole movie...I bawled again because that is what I do... Even he had a few moments of tears!
It was profound in a way I think only those who live with bipolar can truly understand. And it sparked a conversation that needed to happen... He was able to reveal a very personal secret he had been keeping from everyone for his whole life...
I hope that by him saying it out loud that he will finally be able to break some agression. To open that door of dialogue with his social workers and psychiatrists.
I believe in hope, I believe he will work through all of this and that he will learn to live in his own skin.... I have to believe because the alternative is too hard to think about!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A tired struggle!
My husband works full time. He was approved to go back to work on may 1st 2009 on an altered schedule.
Basically, the provisions are that he gets a consistant shift 3pm-11pm. This way he gets to sleep in a little, he knows what time he is working, it is consistant, he has two days in a row off.
These provisions might not seem like much but the make our world go round... keeps him pretty level and has improved his career!
In order to keep these provisions he has to have a psychiatrist fill out a form each month stating that he needs to keep these provisions in place...
(here walks in the problem)
Our mental health system is over saturated... not enough funding, dr's, programs available to reach everyone all the time. We are caught in a loop. Work needs the forms and the psychaitrist can not see him until october. We have tried and tried to get a sooner appoitment and to his works defence they have pushed back the date a few times for him...but we have come to a point that his work can not push back any further, they need the forms and we have come to a point that we can not push any harder...we can not get an appointment!
So where does that leave us... A) search for a new psychiatrist who has better availability (and still have to wait to get in) B) sit outside the office and beg plead and cry some more...
My husband is lost in the shuffle... his agression level is high, his frustration level is high, our conversations are strained and he is snapping at the kids, his facebook status is grim and his facebook profile picture is a bullet!
I know he is struggling and I try to tell him that all of this will work out in time and with some effort!
As I am writing this I got this email from him!!!
You keep asking me if there is something wrong well there is…I keep having thoughts of hurting myself. I try to block them out but they keep coming back. I don’t like talking about them cause then someone else has to hear about them and they sound stupid to me, so what would someone else think. But also that doing something might bring me the releaf I want. I’m sick and tired of being like this, I’m sick of feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. I need more help then I seem to be able to get. I love you and the lkids and your what stops me but how much longer can you hold on, how much longer can I hold on. I’m sitting here on the verg of tears wondering what the next second, minute, hour , day will hold and will I be able to hold on.
Oh god I’m do tried
And my Reply!
I know this is how you are feeling, I can tell from your status updates on facebook and the pictures you are putting up… I know you are sick and I can feel the tension coming off you! It is contagious… and I want you to get help… stupid or not you NEED to tell people when you feel this way… whether you feel detached or not you have to recognize that you are surrounded by people who love you… people who care about you… and people who are hear to help you.
Hamid, Diane, Dr Senthalal, Desuza, your parents, your sister (YOUR SISTER), My sister, Shannon, Friends and other family members, ME!!!
I know that you are afraid and lost…. And that is the exact reason you need to reach out… to anyone… I am always here for you, I am always available for an ear, a shoulder, and a kick in the pants when you need one!
This is not easy for anyone. We are all struggling along with you… it makes the hike easier when you are talking and participating in the conversation.
You WILL get through this… You WILL be okay!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Hold my hand and I won’t let go!
I love you!!!
If you are going through this, yourself, or your spouse...talk to someone... you don't have to do this alone... we all struggle through it!! there is help you just have to ask for it!!
Basically, the provisions are that he gets a consistant shift 3pm-11pm. This way he gets to sleep in a little, he knows what time he is working, it is consistant, he has two days in a row off.
These provisions might not seem like much but the make our world go round... keeps him pretty level and has improved his career!
In order to keep these provisions he has to have a psychiatrist fill out a form each month stating that he needs to keep these provisions in place...
(here walks in the problem)
Our mental health system is over saturated... not enough funding, dr's, programs available to reach everyone all the time. We are caught in a loop. Work needs the forms and the psychaitrist can not see him until october. We have tried and tried to get a sooner appoitment and to his works defence they have pushed back the date a few times for him...but we have come to a point that his work can not push back any further, they need the forms and we have come to a point that we can not push any harder...we can not get an appointment!
So where does that leave us... A) search for a new psychiatrist who has better availability (and still have to wait to get in) B) sit outside the office and beg plead and cry some more...
My husband is lost in the shuffle... his agression level is high, his frustration level is high, our conversations are strained and he is snapping at the kids, his facebook status is grim and his facebook profile picture is a bullet!
I know he is struggling and I try to tell him that all of this will work out in time and with some effort!
As I am writing this I got this email from him!!!
You keep asking me if there is something wrong well there is…I keep having thoughts of hurting myself. I try to block them out but they keep coming back. I don’t like talking about them cause then someone else has to hear about them and they sound stupid to me, so what would someone else think. But also that doing something might bring me the releaf I want. I’m sick and tired of being like this, I’m sick of feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. I need more help then I seem to be able to get. I love you and the lkids and your what stops me but how much longer can you hold on, how much longer can I hold on. I’m sitting here on the verg of tears wondering what the next second, minute, hour , day will hold and will I be able to hold on.
Oh god I’m do tried
And my Reply!
I know this is how you are feeling, I can tell from your status updates on facebook and the pictures you are putting up… I know you are sick and I can feel the tension coming off you! It is contagious… and I want you to get help… stupid or not you NEED to tell people when you feel this way… whether you feel detached or not you have to recognize that you are surrounded by people who love you… people who care about you… and people who are hear to help you.
Hamid, Diane, Dr Senthalal, Desuza, your parents, your sister (YOUR SISTER), My sister, Shannon, Friends and other family members, ME!!!
I know that you are afraid and lost…. And that is the exact reason you need to reach out… to anyone… I am always here for you, I am always available for an ear, a shoulder, and a kick in the pants when you need one!
This is not easy for anyone. We are all struggling along with you… it makes the hike easier when you are talking and participating in the conversation.
You WILL get through this… You WILL be okay!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Hold my hand and I won’t let go!
I love you!!!
If you are going through this, yourself, or your spouse...talk to someone... you don't have to do this alone... we all struggle through it!! there is help you just have to ask for it!!
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